Eschew Obfuscation –
By Michael Douglass –

Rafael Edward Cruz is running for president.

Boy howdy.

By all accounts Ted Cruz is bright and formidable. He’s a powerful speaker. His academic accomplishments are impressive. His career trajectory just prior to politics is downright imposing. There’s a certain charisma in a Bob Dole meets Pee Wee Herman kind of way.

He’s also a notorious tea party prick. It makes no sense that an obviously intelligent man has chosen to champion the stupidest.

By all accounts his fellow Republicans would no sooner miss an opportunity to punch him so hard in the mouth that he shits out his intestines than I would.

I’m not here to remind you what a cartoon this guy is. Ever since he entered stage right onto the Senate floor in 2013, he has not failed to avail himself of any excuse to be an asshole.

Jeb and his brood will surely suck all legit, semi legit and the filthiest of lucre out of Ted’s home state of Texas as well as every other campaign cash venue available to almost every other Republican who would be except maybe Scott ‘eyes too close together’ Walker.

He cannot win.

He has no chance.

So just exactly what is he up to? I imagine he will finish being more despised than he started. He’s a miserable narcissist. Watching his faux filibuster over the ACA forced lurid visions onto me of a rotting mouthed hillbilly settling down on Friday evening to masturbate with a 12-pack of malt liquor talls and a soiled pile of vintage porn. A poster boy for hubris and self aggrandizement. Free standing ashtray full of fast food napkins.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

His announcement at Liberty University was awesome. They’re nihilists dude. Sheezus.
What is he doing?

It’s not some obscure egalitarian agenda. It’s not some ham-fisted altruistic effort to jerk the clown car toward purity. Nope. Ted Cruz is no team player. Ted Cruz is an asshole who gives not a mad fuck. Ted Cruz drives a hot rod hearse.

Does he believe his father’s assertion that he is among the evangelical Christians to be anointed as kings to bring the spoils of war to priests in a great transfer of wealth?
Or is he just branding?

If so, what is his brand other than asshole?

He will not win, place or show. Not even the darkest of horses in this field of crazies would consider him for a running mate.

Maybe he’s a a super secret double triple agent, a democratic plant that will finally doom the GOP and rent it asunder.

After all, he appears to be punching down.

Fuck me if I’m wrong and may God help us all because if I am we deserve it. Things will explode. Like prisons and war. Folk music will come back. The middle class will further diversify culinary applications of Top Ramen. You will be on your own.

I don’t get it.

I have this feeling that it’s right in front of me but I’m missing it.

Drinks for my friends.