SATIRE –
By Glynn Wilson –

Yes, folks. It was a massive conspiracy, with the “deep state” dumping on Trump to “steal” the election, as the lame duck president said on Fox News over the Thanksgiving weekend, accusing Democrats of taking “massive dumps” on him to take the presidency away.

That’s a big load of donkey dung shipped all over the country to “the swamp.”

“This election was over,” Trump claimed on Fox, “and then they did dumps. They call them dumps. big massive dumps, in Michigan and Pennsylvania, and all over.”

Presumably Trump was blathering on about Democrats dumping votes over him, and that’s true. But it wasn’t just Democrats.

According to the latest unofficial election numbers, 80,104,118 Democrats, Republicans and independents voted to dump Trump.

President-elect Joe Biden won 51.1 percent of the popular vote, a clear majority, while for some reason, 73,918,712 Americans voted to kiss up to Trump the dictator-king wannabe, showing that 47.1 percent of “the people” seem fine with a narcissist cry baby infecting what used to be “the people’s” White House with COVID.

Trump and his infected entourage need to get out well before Jan. 20, the day Joe Biden will be inaugurated as president, so a team of specialized cleaners in hazmat suits can fumigate the place of coronavirus. It seems everyone who lived and worked there got infected because they refused to abide by the federal government’s own guidelines for social distancing, mask wearing and hand washing — eeewww. Dumped on and no clean hands.

Biden won 306 Electoral College votes, the exact same number Trump called a “landslide” in his favor in 2016.

Trump only got 232 electoral votes this time around, and even lost Georgia, giving Biden the right to say he is a president of all the American people in all regions of the country. Yes, Biden won the Northeast and West Coast, but he also picked up key states in the Midwest and the South.

But, it was really a massive conspiracy on the part of the deep state, we know Mr. Trump, that is by the good people who live in the area in and around Washington, D.C. in Virginia and Maryland and work for the United States government. Yes, scientists, and doctors, research specialists, wildlife experts, lawyers and secretaries, military personnel, and yes, spies, like U.S. Treasury Service agents who still confiscate illegal whiskey.

Biden won Maryland with nearly 66 percent of the vote to Trump’s 32 percent, and he won Virginia with 54 percent of the vote to Trump’s 44 percent.

In Washington, D.C. proper, the District of Columbia, it was quite overwhelming. Biden got the votes of 92 percent of the people, to Trump’s 5.4 percent.

They really, really don’t like Trump there, and were quite bloated with his presence and ready to dump him.

We have it on good authority that the super smart people, a.k.a swamp creatures and Hollywood pedophiles, who live inside the Beltway in the D.C. area, cooked up this conspiracy with voter registration drives, phone banks, campaign ads and graphics and social media strategies — all over strong drink, many by campfires in backyards all over the DMZ.

It Was Larceny

Like the spies in the AMC series “Turn: Washington’s Spies,” many of the enemies of Trump sipped a newly popular whiskey called Larceny, a small batch Kentucky Bourbon, and came up with the plans to dump Trump.

It’s an interesting legend, really, about a U.S. Treasury agent named John E. Fitzgerald, who was said to have really good taste in illegal whiskey, especially barrels with more wheat than rye. His position gave him the means and the opportunity to steal tastes of some of the best illegal moonshine confiscated by the federal government.

Using his keys to the rick houses where seized booze was stored, Fitzgerald would let himself in and sample the barrels to identify the best and take jugs home for himself. When it came time to dump the barrels, some were found to be unusually light, and exceptionally smooth. These barrels became known as “Fitzgerald Barrels” and they mysteriously disappeared into his collection.

After Prohibition ended and he retired, he started his own distillery and distribution business.

Even when the brand was later sold to famous whiskey man Pappy Van Winkle, the Fitzgerald name and reputation for smooth whiskey remained, according to the Whiskey Cowboy and the company’s website.

So when historians get around to telling the true story in the years to come of how the election of 2020 was stolen from Trump, they should entitle the lede chapter, well why not, Larceny.